yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
I also woke up on my floor. Naked. On a pile of clothes. With my head in the trash can. And a sheet over me.
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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