Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I swear they were about to hook up!!
I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.
It's like an R Kelly music video in here. Only a matter of time before someone pisses on someone
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Did I run away from you last night?
Yeah it was a great moment for our friendship
You put on some guys Birkenstocks that were abandoned on the dance floor overtop of your flats. Then ran out of the bar high gives the bouncer and said "look at my new kicks" then he was like woah wait a minute someone is missing those and made you return them. You were very upset
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
My apologies. I'll try not to let my dick interfere with official work duties in the future.
I'll explain later but I just had to legally commit to abstinence for the next 4 months
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
Randomize
