I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Periouds do not concern me. Biploogival needs are buological needs.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
He was playing minecraft so I took a shower with my vibrator
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Randomize
