I feel like your standards for women is like rent-a-centers standards for credit.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive
So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?
I just found a piece of squished oatmeal cream pie in my armpit. So very sad.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
Sex and compliments. The way to my heart
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
