I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
just curious, were the inflatable penis' received? Amazon says they were delivered.
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
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