You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown
at wine tasting. Can i cleanse my Palate with a frito?
she texted me out of nowhere. and I wanted to get drunk. like I didn't even have her new number until 6 hours ago and bam we were rolling around drinking cotton candy vodka from the bottle she had stuffed in a boot
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
AFTER I licked the bald guys head they told me we weren't playing
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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