Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
It was like little house on the drunk prairie.
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
i just kept saying he was red & i was blue and we couldnt become purple. I started crying at one point
I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Today is a shit your pants at work kinda day
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Question: the touchscreen on my phone randomly quit working, do you think this could be a latent reaction from me peeing on my phone last weekend?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
