Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.
Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.
Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with me as a woman. My initial text to you was "What's up, fuck bucket?"
In that state of mind I managed to bounce back from getting hit by a golf cart and convince an investigations officer that I was okay to go into the game.
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
I am one with the molecules
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
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