11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
If I walk in on you beating off, at least have the fucking decency to STOP BEATING OFF!
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
He will be forever remembered as "birthday failure" ...Got him to pierce his tongue in my bathroom, but not sleep with me......
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
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