I met the friendliest cop last night
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
Also, rendered a whole bar silent last night when I told a guy to take off his panties and take a shot out of my cleavage. Video to follow...
Hey you remember last Super Bowl when I sent you a pic of my testicles? Memories...
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
How hot? Like... how many hemsworths?
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