i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
We tried to make ramen in a glass bowl on the stove. They called facilities to pick the glass out of the door
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
Do you think this 2 hour Amazon delivery thing works on vibrators? Cause that would be clutch
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
My books smell like weed. What does that tell you about my college experience?
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