oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
he swears he got herpes from a bowl of soup
My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
She rode an inflatable shark down the stairs. Viva shark week.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
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