I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Is it sad that I'm on the stopduiaz.com website and there is a cute boy but it will never work between us because hes in jail for 17.5 years?
Um.. is it mean if I say yes?
How would my first penpal letter even go? "Hey saw you on stopduiaz.com, sucks you killed that motorcyclist. Whats your favorite thing to do on the weekend?"
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
I just googled "buy xanax online". What is wrong with my life?
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
We somehow managed to get the sumo-wrestler costume into the washing machine, but I don't think the cupcake icing completely came off... And it still smells like tequila.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
Look, I'm just saying, she looks like a troll and works indefinitely at a shitty Chinese restaurant, so me sleeping with her boyfriend is the least of her troubles...
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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