I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever
Home. Hour long discussion with mom. Very frightened. Eating a sausage. Don't remember making it. Confused.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
Solid. Can't put a price on good times
You can and it's called a liver.
I'm going to fake an anxiety attack to get to the front of the line. Save me some brisket.
Whiskey chased with ice cubes? Here's a big FUCK THAT to that
I'm so excited you texted me but I'm way to high to process it
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
In tonight's episode of Travis' Fucked up Sex Life, Travis breaks into a building at Tulane to have sex with an attractive Asian man.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
