I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
Right now you and beer are my only friends.
THEN YOU WILL NOT GET TO SEE MY TITS TONIGHT OR IN THE NEAR FUTURE YOU HEARTLESS BASTARD
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
