I can no longer count the number of girls I've banged on my fingers and toes. It's like being born again.
he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
I FOUND THE PROF I'M GOING TO FUCKKKK.
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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