I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
Real housewives of new joisy starts MONDAY. Skype session after? Virtual slap the bag?
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
I'm the only person I know who could have actual sex and then dream about my vibrator.
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
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