I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
just saw someone in just a bathrobe not even tied shut run to the bathroom with a facefull of cum. Someone had a good night
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
From now on when a guy sends me a dick picture I'm going to send them a picture of some other dudes dick.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
Is the mullet a good, great, or horrible idea before we leave for college
She was all for the threesome til I showed her a pic of my boyfriend. I think I should re-evaluate my life decisions.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Randomize