Just threw up at the table during our Father's Day dinner. And I managed to get quite a bit on dad, so that was nice.
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
