mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
Just ate tuna on a frozen waffle because we were out of bread.
This is why you don't have nice things.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
His legs actually look hot in that dress. He might even make a better girl than Josh
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
Randomize
