why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Self reach around competition is what the Olympics has been missing all along. A true test of athleticism.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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