My hair reeks of homosexuality.
I'll bet she douches with gravy.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I'm sorry, but the "Hobbit Slam" has to be a sex move.
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
Randomize
