oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
you started puking right when a nickelback song came on..it was epic
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
I want an alcoholic time machine so we could skip to new years eve
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I'm in the liquor store and fucking "Wannabe" by the Spice Girls is playing. IM ALREADY ASHAMED OF MY REASON FOR BEING HERE, GIVE ME A BREAK.
So how was it?
The cemetery or the sex?
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