Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
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