You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
I HAVE TOO MICH DICK TALKING TO ME IDK WHAT TO DO.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Randomize
