UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.
Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.
At least you don't cum in color.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
it glows. i had to have it.
I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I really shouldn't be this use to hearing "YOURE THAT GIRL?!?!"
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
Verdict: uncircumcised.
Randomize
