He finally told me that he's married. I guess it doesn't really matter.
The only reason I kept his number in my phone for so long is so that hed pay for my abortion.
my shit smells like andre
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
How did you steal an entire pie?
I don't know. It's in my purse.
professor came back from spring break missing a tooth
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
Dude, seriously, fucking stop introducing me as "Thomas, with the dick piercing." you are the worst wingman ever.
is it sad that the highlight of my saturday night was waiting till 3 in the morning to hear about your saturday night?
Randomize