did you get engaged???
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
watching a depressing episode of spongebob while high is the most depressing thing i have ever experienced
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.
I take it that, because we are not guzzling a box of franzia, everything went alright?
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
Scary. I hope people take me seriously. Maybe I should black out less to be sure
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
