just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
she's crying and begging for her chapstick and insisting on walking home...her every thursday ritual
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am day drunk. Get ready to see my dick.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
And don't worry, I have a great track record of rallying after a casual midday blackout.
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
i cant believe the cop was fine with you saying no we are in a hurry when he asked to search your car
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Randomize
