You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
So the other day we finished having sex and he literally said "what are we going to do about your vagina?" Like, I hadn't even dismounted him yet.
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
