So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
Peed on my phone. Dried it out in oven. Technology is both a plus and a minus.
its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
He's taking me to Tao. This is going to be so weird. How do you go on a first date with a guy that has seen you naked more times than clothed?
Landen experienced Greenville for the first time last night. He was awaken by 2 cops and 4 EMS guys this morning in the bed of that truck that is for sale at the swashbuckler carwash, said he was trying to walk to waffle house... Greenville- 1, Landen- 0
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize