I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Any day that has a special name thats capitalized means you need to need to call in sick and get day drunk. That's why they are there.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
drinking vodka out of a wine glass to feel a little bit classier about myself.
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
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