Dude, I just woke up on the floor of some random chick's floor with puke in my hair and a posted note on my forehead that said "It's over." Dude I wasn't even aware I was in a relationship...
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it
this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.
You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?
If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I texted him in the morning wishing him a day as spectacular as his dick was.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
what the fuck is wrong with you
Do you want me to go chronologically or alphabetically?
Last night was great... In the "I got videotaped making out and getting a handjob on the couch in front of 100 people." kinda way.
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
Randomize