i killed an earwig and left its corpse on the wall as a warning
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
Randomize
