is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Jesus christ it's been two texts and we are already talking about dildos
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I'm tired of you and your emotional constipation. WHY DO YOU CLOSE YOUR EYES WHEN WE MAKE LOVE!?
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
