I'm pretty hammered, I'll elaborate tomorrow
i don't know what kind of porn he watches.. but that is NOT how you do it...
Xanax induced break ups are the best. Since I'm a professional fiancee, I'm going to break up with them on Xanax from now on. It didn't hurt one tiiiiiny bit.
I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Had an orgasm and got a charley horse at the same time. It was a multi-purpose scream.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He tried to throw up into a beer bottle. It was a complete disaster. Vomit went everywhere. It put the Bellagio's fountain to shame.
Also fucking you night and morning and then serving your parents breakfast is a bit awkward. And funny. To me.
Randomize