Can we have unprotected sex soon?
Don't quote me on that, I'm a walking boner
I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I was drunk at peters. now im drunk at my apartment. and hungry. but mcdonalds is broken. wtf
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.
She frightens me and turns me on at the same time. She's a keeper
Restraining order pending?
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
The part where he comes over and ignores you isn't what makes me mad about that story... It's the fact that he ate your tacos, AND THEN proceeded to ignore you. That's cold hearted.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
Randomize
