ya dads aren't the best wingmen
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
That's why i need nudes. Plutonic nudes.
Standing naked in my kitchen making nachos. I love my youth.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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