3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I think he'd cut a tree down for me. He's from North Dakota. That's something hot guys do there, right?
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
I have a LOT of reasons to worry about radical feminists taking my lady balls, frankly. A lot.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
My one night stand from last night is currently mowing my lawn for me.
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
How naked do you want me to be?
Randomize
