I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
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