Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
if only i could text you this smell
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
Just paid for my STD meds using a giftcard I got for Christmas. Thanks mom.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
