Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
our next stoner-chievment: cream of shroom soup. Get over here, this is happening!
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I don't want my vagina anymore.
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
