My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
You could say the cab driver was less than excited when we called his personal cell phone at 4am for directions back to our hotel after having blacked out at the club
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
Found out people don't like it when you get drunk at fundraising auctions and bid in foreign currencies.
Hey man, sorry about punching you in the face, also about turning the shower on you. I just really wanted you to drink some water.
I wore pigtails while I was having sex with that 22 year old just to make him feel like a pedophile.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
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