I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
this kid is using one arm to help his buddy with a keg stand, and the other arm to hold up the chick he's making out with.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
And he came all over himself. At least he didn't ruin my new lulus.
Actually though that could've been bad.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
