Will you still be my friend if I read and enjoyed Twilight?
No
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
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