He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I'm glad you had fun with your genitals.
Seeing my ex post concert Snapchat videos as an Instagram really reinforces that I made the right choice...
it's like the easy bake oven version of plastic surgery
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
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