nut hugger
It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
yeah the cable guy is coming and everybody is hiding all the pieces in the house. we are up to thirty two. like a fun game of smokable scavener hunt.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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