if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I am full of burrito and curiosity
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.
It's 10am. I'm hungover wearing a flyers jersey and a phillies hat and eating a cheesesteak. I'm not the only one. Best city ever.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
This is a long quiet interstate without somebody to sext.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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