I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I am pretty sure they consider me one of the "bros". They compliment girl's racks to me and are the human forms of dick-be-gone. They won't sleep with me more than once cause it's "weird", or let any "untrustworthy boys" sleep with me and I still help them get laid. Not...fair...
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Think of the things uve done in the past. And ask urself "have I done worse?" If u answer yes. Its perfectly ok.
Randomize
