I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
I see your smile in the face of every drunk that senses he's about to slay a troll.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.
it's not like I want to die, I just want life to stop for a little bit. how does that work?
last night we were hooking up when all the sudden he just murmured "mm blonde". i don't know what to think about this situation.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
My husband was abducted by a group of disco dancers in the parde and danced off down the street. If you see him, tell him to Hustle on home and clean the cat box. #MardiGras
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
He said we were going to get fucked up in the woods so here we are
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
