Sooo, his balls are like... bigger than my head...
Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I do not want to touch your penis after this conversation.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
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