Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
He said he didnt want to choke me, I said im sorry thats a deal breaker.
You threw a handful of caps into a pitcher of Heineken and asked everyone if they wanted to go "bobbing for molly"
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Hypothetically, I throw a party and my ex-boyfriend and my current fuck buddy are in the same house... what should I do?
How many beds are in the house? Hypothetically...
Randomize
