Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
Dude I'm about to just roll over and piss off the side of my bed, rather than make the conscious effort to get up and walk to the bathroom. One of those hangovers.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I know I've become a responsible adult because this time, I'm not going to do the drugs I found on the ground
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Like I’ve seen him completely trashed and I’ve also seen him rip shirtsleeves off with his teeth and I can’t tell if I’m intrigued or not
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