Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
I'm not even mad. I was just trying to get a boner, you're the one that had to see that
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
