maybe after you take off her top her face will be hotter
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.
Oh my god i hate key west. No one takes amex and strippers took all my money
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
You said you made a new recipe, but it turned out you just cooked ramen with vodka instead of water.
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