We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"
I think you may want to look into that...
This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
