She's a black belt cougar in the 6th degree.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
