so i woke up on my toliet naked backwards. good night.
Well, what part of "I've heard she has crabs" didn't you take into consideration?
Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I swear after i took it all i did was scream for four hours
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
