True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Fun fact of the day the average american will consume 13248 beers in their lifetime.
So for us it's double that?
Precisely.
No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.
sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I lost all of my bathing suit tops.. This is both a success and a failure
To show us how offended you were you took off the right foot of your pterodactyl suit and proceeded to attack us with it.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Coffee and girl scout cookies. Breakfast of champions.
Get fucked.
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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