Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
So many bounce houses so little time
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
