You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
girl in front of me in lecture is looking up on ask.com about chlamydia.
I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.
almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I just got a get of my turf look from a hooker. Apparently, Ninja Turtles T-shirt+Jeans+Flip-Flops=Hooker Gear. Woot.
I just want to have beer shits in my own bathroom. Is that too much to ask for?
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
You are the human incarnation of a drinking problem
In other news, the one guy I DIDN'T have sex with in High School is now famous.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
Randomize
