he's chasing his jose cuervo with hot tub water
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.
Erry day erry day!
Haha yeah this costume is worse than I imagined. I look more like a gothic hooker who caters specifically to creepy men with doll fetishes
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Whatever dude, just dont tell her your first impression was she looked like your cousin. no judgement here. just sayin.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
Either I think of sex like a man, or all the men in Vegas are women.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
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