I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
I'd be more interested in girls if they were more interested in anal.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
i left because you were standing at the top of the stairs throwing shot glasses and bottles full of alcohol at me and yelling JAGERBOMBS
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
Randomize
