it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"
Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence
I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
i woke up this morning to a slap on the ass and jake saying "you should let me put it in your ass now" i need out of this relationship.
for sure. did you let him do it?
thats not the point.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
