I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I just wanted to share with you that my life has come to naked arts and crafts, to fix my flask, with a rum and coke in my hand... Good luck on your exam
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
friends who go to the bar together leave the bar together and im not leaving you behind ohana means family
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
Randomize
