I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
Between the deep breathing and nipple piercings , I thought I was in the twilight zone
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
I suppose writing him up is more professional than keying his car.
Randomize
