Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Can we please get on skype for like 20 seconds so i can show you my penis and the spiderman temporary tattoo that is right above it
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
I woke up this morning with a text from my mom as to why the hell random people were showing up at the house. Turns out nobody came to our house party because I gave them my old address, fuck pre-partying for real
He asked me while we were fishing why the passion was gone when we have sex. It's official...I am the dude in this relationship.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
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