I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
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